


For Now

by Obsessiveangel



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Kiss, anon prompt from tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 11:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9121489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessiveangel/pseuds/Obsessiveangel
Summary: Under the fading sun, Hinami and Ayato spend their time together trying to accept their upcoming death.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Anon request from tumblr for Ayahina's first kiss!

Hinami always found it interesting how in books and movies, the setting always matched the character’s mood. The depressed character would walk home in the rain. The happy family going out would be greeted by the morning sun. But it was rarely ever the case in reality though, at least it was for her. As Hinami stared out of the window, watching the golden sky, she wondered how the world could be so beautiful at such an ugly time. In a time when she knew all that awaited her and her loved ones was certain death, Hinami realized that the world would eventually go on without them. The sky was beautiful and somewhere, someone was probably looking at it and associating it with their perfect, wonderful life.

Maybe Hinami wasn’t the main character of the story. 

Ah, that’s right. They were the bad guys— monsters who dwell in darkness and feast in blasphemy. 

Knowing that sitting in the room and sulking wasn’t going to make anything better, Hinami decided to find something better to do. But since the final battle was coming, was really was there left for them to do but wait? There was no use in training and exhausting themselves. There was no use going around and making memories that were going to disappear along with them. There was no use having fun when it meant nothing in the face of death. Wandering around the place aimlessly, Hinami found her spirits sinking further and further down. She doubted that she had ever felt more upset in her life, maybe except for when she was in Aogiri, or when her parents died, or when her brother disappeared…

“What a miserable life,” she murmured, pausing in her steps. She glanced out of the window nearby, looking at the sunset once again. The sky had changed, now a mess of pinks, blues and purples with streaks of orange here and there. It was so pretty but despite herself, Hinami found herself hating it. How was it possible? How could the world look so beautiful at such a time? 

And in a strange burst of despondence, Hinami turned to the flight of stairs close by, bounding up at a speed that was unusual for her. She wanted to see it for herself— the pretty sky that seemed to mock her emotions. 

When Hinami threw open the door, she hadn’t expected to see anyone there. But the roof wasn’t vacant and her clamorous entrance caused the occupant to jump onto his feet. 

Hinami stood at her door, feeling her cheeks redden from embarrassment, as her ex-superior turned to her and flashed her an icy glare.

“What the fuck, Hinami? Are you trying to kill me or something?” he snapped. “I almost fell off this fucking building.”

“Ah… I’m sorry, Ayato-kun,” she muttered. “I just… didn’t expect to find anyone here.” 

“Huh? And here I was thinking you got all desperate looking for me,” he huffed playfully. 

“I… If you’re here, then I’ll just go—”

“You don’t have to leave or anything. There’s enough space for the two of us here,” he replied, frowning a little. 

“O-Okay…” HInami murmured. She moved closer to him, taking the spot next to him after he sat down. Her cheeks were still burning from the embarrassment earlier on but even though she knew Ayato wouldn’t bring it up, she just couldn’t forget it. 

Alright, come on, out of all people she had to do that in front, it had to be him. Couldn’t it have been someone like Banjou or Kaneki instead— people she didn’t have to worry about looking like a complete fool around since they all thought of her as the little kid they had once had to look after? No, she just had to mess up in front of him. 

If Hinami was the kind of person to curse, she would have screamed it out to Heaven. 

“What are you fuming about?” Ayato sighed, knocking her right out of her moment of self-loathing and annoyed musings.

It took her a moment to consider before answering. Of course, she would have liked to be honest, but she could never, ever, see herself admitting that to him. No way. It was better left forgotten. 

“I was… just wondering why the sunset was so beautiful,” she replied. 

“It is, isn’t it? It’s so quiet and peaceful here as well,” he replied. “I don’t get how that’s causing a scowl on that pretty face of yours though.” 

_ He called me pretty. _

Right at that thought, Hinami mentally slapped herself. This was Ayato she was talking to. Of course he meant it as a joke. He could even be saying it sarcastically, insulting her instead. 

“It’s just… I think about the situation we’re in and I think about how the sky is…” Hinami murmured, trailing off at the look of confusion on Ayato’s face. “I mean, the world just goes on, even after we die.”

Ayato’s brows furrowed. “Yeah, I mean, there’s millions of people out there. Life goes on for them.” 

“Yes. Isn’t that sad?”

Ayato tilted his head slightly, probably pondering over her words. Thinking about it, whenever he did that, he sort of resembled a puppy. Sort of. Hinami bit her lip, trying her best to stifle her laughter at that thought. Ayato probably wouldn’t appreciate being called a puppy. After all, he was _Ayato_.

“I don’t think it’s sad, actually. If I die, most people wouldn’t know, but you guys would. You guys would remember me,” Ayato replied.

“But what if we all die?”

Ayato’s eyes widened slightly. “Damn, Hinami, what’s with all the pessimism?”

“Because… I know we’re all going to die. Everyone knows that,” Hinami replied, pouting slightly.

There was a shift in Ayato’s face and Hinami knew that he knew that as well. He turned away from her to look straight ahead. The sun was till yet to fully set so the sky was still a mess of varies hues. Sitting silently with Ayato in such an atmosphere would be something she would have enjoyed and possibly fussed over in the past. But things were different now. There was no use. All of it would end eventually.

“If… we’re all going to die then, I guess we should just make the most of whatever we have left,” Ayato said after some time.

“But why?” Hinami argued. “What’s the use? We’re all going to die. Everything is going to disappear. Our memories. Our efforts. Everything. What’s the use of making the most out of all this?”

_ Ah, I’m crying. _

Hinami hurriedly wiped her tears away but even then, Ayato had heard her. He head heard the crack in her voice and her soft, occasional sniffs. It wasn’t always Hinami had cried in front of him. But even if she had done so before, Hinami never really liked the idea of crying in front of him. Somehow, even though she knew he wouldn’t think that way, she was afraid of him finding her weak. 

Ayato shifted closer to her and he raised his arm to wind it around her shoulders to pull her against him. Hinami stiffened at his sudden action, looking up in confusion. Ayato wasn’t looking at her, however. His eyes remained fixed on the horizon, which was now, slowly, starting to get dark. It was hard to see his expression clearly from that angle, but from what she could see, he seemed to be in deep thought. His eyes were clouded and distant. But even then, Hinami continued to stare, realizing that the way the fading sunlight fell on his pale skin strangely alluring. 

They sat in that position for another long moment, watching the sun descend into the depths of the night, it’s golden beauty slowly fading into a different kind of beauty. Eventually, Ayato sighed and Hinami turned back to him, to see his dark eyes already fixed on her. Only with him looking at her like that did Hinami realize just how close they were.  

“It’s not everyday you get to watch the sunset like this, huh?” he chuckled softly. Hinami smiled slightly and nodded. Ayato sighed again, his smile falling into a slight frown. “Hina, I’ve… always lived for the present.”

“The present?”

“I work hard— yes— but not for a good future. I just want to be strong enough so that I can live alongside the people I love right now. So… about everything fading when I die… It’s not that it doesn’t bother me, but it doesn’t bother me too much. What’s more important is living to the fullest so that if I die, right at this moment, I don’t have any regrets.”

“You say that, Ayato-kun, but you’re always doing things for others rather than yourself,” Hinami pointed out. 

“Making people like you and Touka happy makes me happy as well,” Ayato admitted. “But, to be fair, there are things I’ve never found the courage to do.” 

Hinami giggled slightly. The thought of Ayato being afraid was something far too hard for her to grasp. Ayato made a face at her reaction, turning away from her in an exaggerated annoyance.  

“Ah, I’m sorry!” Hinami squeaked. “I didn’t mean anything… I just thought… it’s cute.”  

Ayato remained silent for a moment, glancing at her. With another sigh, Ayato dropped his arm from her shoulders, letting his hand rest on the ground right behind her. 

“Hinami, I…” he spoke up, hesitating a little between his words. “I have things I want to say to you. But I just can’t bring myself to say it.” 

“Because you’re scared?”

“Because I’m scared… The things I feel and the things I want to do with you… I’m scared you don’t feel the same way and if that’s the case, not only will that be gone, but what if things between us change as well? I don’t want that.” 

Ayato was looking right at her and she could see every bit of uncertainty and insecurity he had. His words were vague but Hinami could get the implications behind them. He had said it in a way that he could simply deny any possible speculations anyone came up with, even if it were true. Though she could be mistaking his words, Hinami knew what she thought was true. At least, she wanted it to be true. 

_ Even though, this doesn’t mean anything now… _

“I am... a very important person to Ayato-kun, right?” she murmured. 

“Everybody knows that.” 

“Then… if it’s too hard to say… There are other ways you can…” Hinami paused, swallowing to ease the sudden dryness in her mouth and throat.

“Then… can you… close your eyes?” 

Hinami nodded, closing her eyes with her head turned towards him. Hinami had to wonder how she looked in his eyes. Was her expression stupid? Was it okay? What if he was pulling a prank on her? Her heart raced at the final thought. It would be just like Ayato to pull such a prank. Time seemed to went on longer. The longer she waited, the more it felt like Ayato was just playing around. 

_ Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Of course it wasn’t this. _

But right as she was about to open her eyes, she heard a loud sigh from him, followed by shuffling, before her cheeks were suddenly clasped in warmth. She couldn’t see him but she could tell he was really close to her.

“Are you… sure about this?” he whispered. His voice was so soft and unsure— nothing like himself at all. She could tell he was scared, though she didn’t know what he was so afraid of. But it’s not like she should comment on that. Hinami herself felt worried for some strange reason. She couldn’t put her finger on why she was afraid, why both of them were scared to be honest. It’s not like they were doing something wrong, right?

Somehow, Hinami managed a nod. It still took awhile after that. She could feel him inching closer. His fingers dug softly into her cheek, trembling against his wishes. As much as he probably wanted to look cool at that moment, his nervousness was blatantly getting the best of him. Hinami couldn’t think of any other reason why he would ask her to close her eyes. 

And when it finally happened, it was nothing like the perfect first kiss she had ever imagined she’d have. It was awkward— just two young and inexperienced people fumbling about and trying to make it right. But Hinami didn’t really mind it at all. In fact, if she was given another chance, she wouldn’t want anything different. Because in the end, it wasn’t the kiss that was important. It was the moment and the person she was with. No matter how awkward it was, she wanted more of it  

And with that realization, Hinami realized something else. If there were going to die, then, no matter how wonderful that moment was, no matter how much more of it she wanted, she would never be able to feel the same way again. Because none of it mattered, not when they were all headed towards Death’s doorstep. And in her dying moments, the only thing these feelings would bring to her was more pain. 

Hinami didn’t noticed that she was crying until Ayato pulled away from her and called her name out softly. She opened her eyes, being greeted by his face clouded with doubt, worry and fear. And as she marvelled at the sight of him, bathed in the rays of pale moonlight, Hinami found herself overwhelmed at the thought of all she was going to lose. 

Not only was she going to lose her friends and family, she’d lose him as well. And he’d lose her. 

“It’s... not fair,” she sobbed, choking at her words. “Ayato-kun, you’re so cruel.”

He must have mistaken her words as he immediately shifted, dropping his hands from her face. Hinami had to quickly grab him to stop him from moving away completely. 

“I’m sorry... I...” 

“Now... out of all times...”

“If you don’t want this, we can just pretend it never happened and I’ll just forget—”

“No!” she cried out, cutting into his words. Even thinking about Ayato’s suggestion made her head spin. His eyes widened for a second, before his face fell completely, his shoulders slouching forward. His pulled his arm away from her, just to clasp his hand with hers.

“I realize this is really selfish of me. It’ll be less painful for you if I had just kept quiet... But Hina, I wanted you to know. And more than that, I wanted you to feel the same way...” he whispered. “I spent so long, cursing myself for falling for you, wondering how someone like me can even hope to be with someone like you. And when I finally managed to build my life together after fucking up so badly in the past, when I finally think I’m ready to leave everything behind to become someone worthy enough to be by your side, it’s already too late.”

He paused for a moment, sniffing softly and rubbing his nose with his free hand. Ayato wasn’t crying but it seemed like he was trying his best not to. It seemed like no matter how he had spoke about being strong enough to live only for the present, it seemed like he was just afraid of the future as she was. 

_ Ayato-kun, you’re such a liar.  _

“It’s so hard... and I’m sorry for putting you through this but...” Ayato trailed off. Hinami reached out towards him, letting her fingers rest against his skin. Despite the coolness of the night, his skin was warm and soothing to her touch and she found herself moving closer to him, wanting more of his warmth. With her tears still streaming down her face and her body trembling from all the overwhelming thoughts and feelings within her, she reached to wind her arms around him as she nestled her face in his chest.

“It’s okay... We still have a little time,” he continued. “No matter how short... for now... you’ll be mine, right?”

“Yeah,” she murmured. _For now_.

Ayato responded by pulling her closer to him and wrapping his arms around her. Enveloped in the nostalgic warmth of his, Hinami found her body eventually relaxing as her sobs subsided. For another long moment, they remained silent in each other’s arms. As Ayato buried his face in her hair, Hinami found herself closing her eyes slowly.

“I don’t want to lose you, Ayato-kun,” she murmured softly. “I wanna live on with you... with everyone. Ayato-kun, I... I really... I...”

“I understand,” he whispered, hushing her stammering speech. 

She should say it. She knew she should. And she knew it was what Ayato wanted to hear more than anything else. But even so, she couldn’t bring herself to do it anyway, because she knew that it was only going to make it harder for them in the end. She also knew Ayato was holding back without telling her everything either— without telling her what she wanted to hear the most either.

It seemed like both of them were holding back. Since it was all they could do for now— holding each other and pretending that there wasn’t more to it. Because in the end, everything was going to come to an end soon. 

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up very different from what I had initially planned but I have no regrets since really, all I can write is angst anyway. I think this is one of my favorite Ayahina fics out of all I've written so far.


End file.
